This is what happens when I get bored on New Years Eve...

sparkling cat's sparkling cat

swiftly i have never swim, swimmingly beyond
any vampire, your darth vader have their dirty:
in your most large nail polish are things which shimmy me,
or which i cannot eat because they are too excitedly

your smelly look rapidly will unshoot me
though i have wash myself as notebook,
you type always television by television myself as sun fight
(holding timidly, eagerly) her bitter belt

or if your castle be to blink me, i and
my ipod will run very carefully, quickly,
as when the hobo of this vampire talk
the lipstick happily everywhere walking;

nothing which we are to drink in this zombie dance
the jay z of your pink converse shoe: whose skateboard
knock me with the chair of its jacket,
kissing lightbulb and pierce the veil with each singing

(i do not play what it is about you that jimmy
and listen; only something in me paint
the pajama pants of your darth vader is short than all sun)
gloves, not even the grass, has such hot tank top

- melissa & e.e. cummings

So I found this madlib poem exercise game on this site:

http://www.languageisavirus.com

Fun times....E.E. Cummings and I sure can write a great poem haha. Thanks, man.

Dismantle. Repair

I logged onto my e-mail today only to find stupid boy and his unreasonably jealous girlfriend has added me on facebook. I could have denied these requests. Did I? No..curiosity got the best of me. I wanted to be nosy and see this girl's page. Much to my disappointment, there wasn't much, except for a few gag worthy pictures of the two. I seriously could have vomited. I don't think I've been more happy to be rid of someone than I am right now. What a jackass.

I've got some writing done today. I don't know if I'm thrilled with it but it's just the first draft.

Hopeless

Still not a whole lot accomplished writing wise. The holidays stress me out.

I did get an e-mail response from you know who. Here it is:

My incredibly jealous girlfriend probably did it while I wasn't here, judging as I thought you deleted me. What was the nature of the message? I've been contacted by several old friends of mine who happen to be female and I never know about it. I deeply apologize. She did interrogate me about you the other day, so that is likely what happened. I'm sorry. I really thought you deleted me. Hmph. I swear. Anyways, sorry again. Happy holidays, since I couldn't say it sooner, I have to go get ready for work though, so I'll talk to you later.

-Kyle


Seriously? Your incredibly jealous 18 year old girlfriend needs to back the hell off and not jump to conclusions when I just ask how you are doing. Oh man..and she interrogated him about me. Ha, I wonder what he said.. if she only knew what I know.....

Ain't No Sunshine

I hate winter. I hate it with a passion. Right now, it's cold, dark, and rainy. Did you know that December is the month where writers are the least productive? Why? Because it's a friggin' stupid, gross month, that's why. Plus, the holidays stress people out and everyone is on edge. I'm tired of winter already and it just started. I'm ready for warm weather and sunshine. A time when I can go outside and write. When I can open up my bedroom window and let the warm fresh air in.

I'm trying to get some writing done. I'm making myself do it. The novel has about five crappy chapters written (I keep telling myself it's the first draft so it's okay if it's a bit crappy now) and my screenplay is....going....ish. We'll see how it goes. I just wish I had the motivation to write like I did in high school. That was a time when I could write all day. Of course, I didn't have all the stress and pressure that I have now.

R-Evolve

Today, I worked on character sketches for my book and wrote down the rough plot outline. So now it's all written down on paper. I'm hoping it will make it easier for me to go back to whenever I'm stuck. I know where I'm supposed to be headed and I'll get there. Tomorrow, I'm going to go back and start the beginning over. Even if it's just for 15 minutes, I'm going to write something. The one thing I've learned is that I can't sit down and write all day long like I used to. I really believe that I have learned so much about writing in college that it's all swimming in my head. I've read so many novels for classes that I know so many different ways to write. It's all so confusing and now I have to find my voice again that makes me stand out. I don't want to blend in. I don't want to write the next Twilight Saga (ick, no thank you) and I certainly couldn't write the next Harry Potter series (it's too perfect). I'll figure out my own way to be the writer I want to be. And if that is with writing the supposedly profound works I desire then that's the way to go.

The only rule is that there are no rules

I was told the book I want to write will be profound. Yeah, that is if I can actually get over this severe long bout of writer's block I've been experiencing since I graduated college. I learned that writer's block could be because of stress, exhaustion, depression.... ha, that's where it comes from. Who knew?

But I am helping my friend, Kim, in the process of her writing a book. She's wanting to write these murder mysteries and the plot sounds really good but she's afraid. Just like me. She's afraid of what others will think with some things. I told her to just let go of all inhibitions and just be free to write. I can give great advice others..I just can't take my own, I guess.

The book I'm wanting to write is going to be serious. Kim asked me what genre I want to write in and I really didn't know what to say. I don't want to limit myself to one genre. Who says I can't write serious dramatic novels and then write a fantasy novel? I can do that. That's the power of being a writer.

All I know is that I want to move people so much that they cry haha. Yeah, I'm going to be one of those writers.

Destination Unknown

I haven't posted in awhile. I apologize for that. Blame it on depression, irritability, stress..whatever. I just know that I'm tired and annoyed most of the time.

The interview at the bank was a bust. I prepared myself the night before... picked out a very conservative outfit consisting of a button down dress shirt (long sleeved to hide the tattoo on my forearm) and black dress pants. I toned down the usual dark eye make up I wear and I didn't even wear eyeliner. Now if you know me, you'll know I usually don't leave the house without black eyeliner on. Ever. But I did for this interview, thinking it would help. When I got to the bank, I had to wait like forty minutes before the lady came out to see me. She took me back to her office and basically asked me what knowledge I had in certain computer programs.. I told her what programs I was familiar with. Obviously my experience with Excel and such wasn't enough. She asked if I had any questions and I asked what the job entailed thinking I was applying for the secretarial job that was advertised in the paper.

I was wrong. She said it was for some loan agent job. If that was what the job was for, then why the hell didn't you put that in the paper? I kept my mouth shut as she said: "I wanted to call you in and see if you had more experience than you put in your resume but you don't so....." I really wanted to punch her at that moment but I didn't since I was in a bank and that probably wasn't a smart idea. Eh. I just nodded said thank you, and left. If I had that kind of experience, I would have put in my resume. And don't advertise for a job and have it be something completely different. I felt like an ass. Thanks. I appreciate that.

So yeah. I'm not doing well. Trying to keep my composure but I'm getting frustrated. I don't have experience doing things because nobody wants to give me a chance to get that experience. Give me a break. Something.

I hate this place. If I had the money, I would move far away. I wish I had the money... I wish so bad that I could just leave and find a better place where I can get a job I want to do.

Critic Boy, How I Loathe Thee: An Epic Poem

An epic poem. (still in progress haha)

Critic Boy, how I loathe thee
Critic Boy, you disgust me.
Critic Boy, I can't stand you.
Critic Boy, oh Critic Boy..
you are so not worth my time.

Thank you, thank you. *bows* I try.

Finger Prints and Happy Birthdays!

I'm just gonna say getting my finger prints scanned by a nurse in an urgent care clinic for a background check for this substitute teaching job was just weird. Awkward really. Ah well.

I really just wanted to say a BIG happy birthday to my very dear friend, Annie, who is 21 today!! Yay! She's my closest friend who I have known the longest. I'm hoping you are able to go out with your hubby soon to celebrate over dinner or whatever. :)

You're All I Have

This will be short and sweet. I just learned that my favorite band, Silverstein, is going to be coming near me in concert!!!!! Finally! :) I finally get to see the 'Billeh' (the one with the mustache haha)! I can't help it, he's gorgeous. I'll find a better pic to post later lol. Hot Canadian boys with tattoos? Can't get any better than that lol. Sorry Critic Boy. You lose.

If Only

I wish my insecurities wouldn't plague me so. Everywhere I turn, I'm bombarded with self-doubt and stress. I probably would have completed three novels and two screenplays by now and be uber successful if I didn't have such things.

Am I good enough? Will I ever be good enough? Will people like what I do? What if they don't? What if I end up failing and disappointing people?

I never want to disappoint other but in return, I end up disappointing myself because I'm holding myself back. From so much.

We all have plans, you know? Goals and dreams. I want to get out of here and really start living my life.

I feel stifled and lonely a lot. I sit in my room and work on my writing projects (seven pages written on the novel..woo!) but yet, I feel like I'm just wasting away. I don't want to live my life in regret but my anxiety disorder holds me back. My OCD holds me back. I just want to be happy.

More Than Conquerers

I'm going to apply to be a substitute teacher at my old high school tomorrow. Not exactly what my career goals entail but whatever. You have to start out somewhere. And even though teaching isn't anywhere in my goals, that's okay. It's just subbing. I can take snotty kids. I'm not scared haha.

But yeah, I am nervous. I didn't want to go back to high school again. That place sucked. But hey, if they're paying me to be there the days I am there, then I'm okay with that.

I've written five whole pages of my novel! Yay! This process is too slow.

Pardon Me

I believe I'm a magnet for the jackasses of the world. Everywhere I turn, they come out of obscurity and start talking to stupidity, trying to impress me and all that. Throwing out compliments every other sentence, thinking that's the way to get on my good side. It's nice but I can see through the crap, people. And most of it is crap.

I now have a strained friendship communication with Critic Boy. Maybe he gets it now. He gets the fact that I'm not a fan of his anymore.

But now I have to put up with some guy that I've met through another friend from high school..some guy I can't even remember his name and also a guy who claims we were high school sweethearts. I'm not sure I remember that part... hmm.

So the nameless guy..yeah. I have no idea who he is. But he pops up on messenger the other night, asking how I was and telling me how hot I looked in the recent pics I posted on myspace. I had no idea we were myspace friends. I really need to go through my friends list. Anyways, Nameless Guy goes on and on about how awesome I am..how smart I am..how pretty I am..blah, blah, blah. Thanks. It would be great to hear if I actually knew the guy and knew he meant it. This guy actually suggested for me to move into his house and work where he lives. He knows this great coffee shop he could get me a job at where all of the college hipsters hang out at..a place I could "blend in". The thing is, I don't want to blend in. I don't care to blend in. And I'm not about to go move in with some guy I don't even know. I'm smart, remember?

And now onto the supposed high school sweetheart. This guy is married. He has a son who is like... maybe a year old...maybe 2..I don't know. But yeah. When the girl left him last year, he called me crying about how he misses her and his son. How he wanted to be with them again. And so she took him back. Here comes him telling me how unhappy he is. How he sometimes thinks "what if" about me. What if things worked out between us. What if this and that. He said he misses me. I told him he shouldn't. He asked me if I thought what if about him. I told him no. He's married and I don't think what if about married men with families. Sorry, bud. Let it go.

Why me? Why can't I just conversate with a decent guy? Where are they? Does anybody know? If so..send him my way. Please. Just a nice cute rocker boy. Not too picky haha

Multitasker.

I've decided I'm going to write another novel. Well, the first one I wrote in high school was never published but I still wrote one. It's an unpublished novel. This one I'm hoping to get published. I'm still working on the screenplay. I just like to multitask. Don't judge me.

I have so many stories in my head. So much that I could write. I just have this problem where I feel intimidated by the process. I begin to panic and doubt my writing talents. But I'm going to do this. I'm going to succeed. I will be the writer I've always wanted to be.

I'm just not going to be sharing this with Critic Boy.

Little Things

I realized I haven't talked about Critic Boy in awhile. It's not that I haven't been talking to him. It just isn't on the same scale as it used to be. We don't talk as much. If we do talk, it's more the small talk kind like "how are you?" "how's your day?" etc..etc.

I'll admit I'm very picky about the guys I date. I've settled in the past and ended up with royal douche bags. People kept saying "give guys a chance. You never know. They may end up being wonderful." Nope. Definitely not.

Where's my hot tattooed/pierced rocker boy?? I'm waiting haha

Rescued

Avoiding someone who lives in the same house as you can be awfully exhausting. But, in order to keep the peace, I must do this. Oh well.

Looking into becoming a substitute teacher for the time being. I was going to go in today, but I woke up with such a sinus headache, I didn't want to do a thing. So, I'll get it done next week. No huge rush, I guess.

So during my free time, I've been watching a lot of tv.. those stupid reality tv shows. Especially the ones on VH1 about retarded people trying to find "love". On a reality show. Make sense? It doesn't to me.

I've gotten into the new season of Real Chance of Love. Haha, those guys make me laugh. Hard. Just watching all of those skanky girls beat the crap out of each other to date those guys is hilarious. Oh the joys of tv.

Life is a perception of your own reality

So today I had a nice good cry. Okay, maybe it wasn't so nice. I hate to cry. But, of course that's how things go these days.

I'll try to make this brief. Basically, I was in my brother's room, watching something on tv when my step-dad bellows out my name from the kitchen. That's how I'm summoned here. I go to the kitchen and he points to the sink where a few dirty dishes were in and said "You need to do the dishes." Right. I know I have to do the dishes. That's just one of the things I'm expected to do around here. So I tell him, "Yes, I know. Just give me a couple minutes." I actually wanted to wait until there were more dishes to warrant using dish detergent but obviously that wasn't what he wanted. He rolled his eyes and said, "whatever. You always do what you want to do anyways." Then he goes off into his bedroom where he'll continue to sleep all day.

This upset me. My step dad always acts like I do absolutely nothing in this freaking house. Like nothing gets done. That I'm just some worthless unemployed loser. Funny how he doesn't have a job either. That all he does is sleep all day or sit around in his underwear. Yeah, it disturbs me too. I went in and did the stupid dishes. And then I cried.. and then I had to go take out the garbage. That's what I do. I get up early to feed the dogs, the cats, hell I even have to take care of his dumb dog. I make sure the horses have water and when they don't, I give them water. I do the dishes, clean the house, help with laundry, etc..etc. And yet, I don't do a damn thing.

Is it my fault I can't find a job? No. What does he expect me to do? I'm not alone here. There are a lot of damn people who can't find a job right now. Give me a break here. I wish I could move away. Move far, far away.

Bonus Mosh Pt. II (Yet not really..lol)

This was me and Sosha before the warped tour mosh pits/crowd surfers started. Damn, I couldn't even go to a pop rock band with the mosh pits. Who moshes to pop rock??? Seriously. Those hardcore wannabe kids, that's who.

My biggest pet peeve is not being able to watch one of my favorite bands play without being on constant guard watching out for crowd surfers passing over me and those "tough" kids rushing the stage and pushing each way. I'm a little person. I don't have a lot of strength to push them all back. Damn them.

I'll post more later. I still haven't recovered from the soreness/exhaustion. My tattoo is even sunburnt. Gross.

The Rock Show

I leave for St. Louis tomorrow and am going to Warped Tour the next day. My feelings? Excited and anxious. I'm ready for something new. I'm ready to be surrounded by people who like the same music I do. Of course, that got me in trouble with Critic Boy though.. ha.

I'm going to the casino tomorrow. Yep. Going to play the slot machines and maybe win a fortune. It's a nice dream. Then on Monday I'm going to be surrounded by lots of sweaty rocker boys and their sweaty fans. Crowd surfers, mosh pits, glass beer bottles being thrown in the air. Yeah, fun times. I hate crowd surfers. They annoy the hell out of me. I'm not there to watch out for stupid crowd surfers going over my head. I paid money to watch one of my favorite bands play, dumbass.

It's an early bed time for me because I have to be up at like six in the morning. I haven't been up that early in awhile. But it's worth it.

Coming down is calming down

After a few days of no contact with Critic Boy, he pops up on messenger last night. You can't see me right now, but I'm rolling my eyes. He seemed really nice at first. I swear. Now, he's just annoying.

I knew I shouldn't have let him read the beginning of my screenplay. It was just ten pages.. only like 9 scenes or so. It wasn't established yet. Give me a break, Critic Boy. Give me a break.

But I am happy to say that I'm making progress with my screenplay. Even with the constant plague of self-doubt I've always had. You can't please everyone. Everyone in the world is not going to like what I produce. And I have to learn to be okay with that. I'm a people pleaser. I don't like to disappoint anyone. I don't want anyone to not like what I do. I hate rejection and critics. Which may be why Critic Boy is not on my favorite persons list right now. I'm working through it. Day by day.

But I will never date Critic Boy. Sorry, Critic Boy.

The Water Dilemma

The other day my mom presented me with a dilemma. A dilemma I dubbed "The Water Dilemma"
You see, for the Warped Tour date I am attending, they allow you to take in at the most a 1 liter bottle of water into the venue. So, I asked my mom if she would get me one at the convenience store she worked at. She said sure, no problem. What kind do you want? Which resulted in a confused look from me. Water is water, right? Wrong. She gave me all these kinds and blah, blah, blah. Do you want Dasani? Evian? Smartwater? Etc, etc. Uh... I just want a freaking bottle of water that is going to help keep me hydrated while I'm there... why present me with choices?

I'm an indecisive person. I absolutely hate making decisions. When asking me what restaurant I want to eat at results in me saying "I don't really care. I have no preference." That annoys people and I apologize. I just really don't care about these trivial things in life. I'm not going to freak out about this or that. Not anymore.

So what did I decide on concerning the water? Well, I didn't really make one at all. I told her to surprise me. That's how I make trivial decisions haha. Give me a serious major one and I can make one. But about water? Eh, I don't care. Water is water, people.

Cupid Missed His Mark

I went and dyed my hair back to black because there is no way I'm going to Warped Tour with icky brownish hair with black ends..no freaking way. I might meet a hot rocker boy who immediately falls in love with me so my hair must look acceptable.

I dyed it yesterday and last night, I don't know what was wrong with me. I became agitated and cranky. I had a total bitch fest on twitter because I just felt like I was at my wits end. Why? Because of what some stupid boy does to me. I'm not even dating the guy and yet he frustrates me and upsets me. He wants to date me. He's made that very very clear. And yet when I do share the first 10 pages of my screenplay with him, he completely bashes the whole thing. I am all about constructive criticism. I love that stuff but when you don't say it in a polite manner and all you say is this isn't really a screenplay.. you shouldn't do this... this is bad.. I really hated that..

So... nice. You hated everything about it. I got that, thanks. What does he even know about screenplays anyways? Nothing. He even said he didn't know anything about it.

I'm not so sure... I'm not so sure I can trust him. I just don't know anymore

Stupid Critic Boy.

Not really reality.

Sometimes watching reality tv shows makes me feel dirty.

Yeah. Incredibly gross and icky.

3 Bottles of Wine

Critic Boy is partying it up tonight with friends. He had to message me and tell me that. Seriously, I don't care.

Why do guys insist on telling me these things? Why does this guy continue to tell me when he is either a) having a few drinks, b) pretty damn wasted, or c) completely drunk and falling all over the place?

As a child of a recovering alcoholic, getting drunk to impress people does not impress me. It disgusts me. My dad died from the effects of a long battle with alcoholism when I was 15. So I don't need to know these things. It just makes you look ignorant.

I have no problem with people who are social drinkers. Who have a couple drinks with friends or whatever. That's okay. Just because I will never drink any kind of alcoholic beverage doesn't mean everyone should be like that. I understand it's enjoyable for some. But sometimes people need to wake up and acknowledge the signs they have some problems.

Like Critic Boy enjoys drinking alone. And excessively. It's how he relaxes. You know how I relax? Listening to music..taking a nap.. watching a movie. Those are deemed safe things. At least to me. I don't drown my sorrows in alcohol.

And maybe..just maybe..if he wasn't such a sarcastic jerk to people, he wouldn't have to drown his sorrows in alcohol. Maybe if he didn't intentionally piss people off like he does, he would be happier.

Just a couple suggestions.

Stay Out

I managed to upset Critic Boy tonight. It would have happened eventually.. and hey I can't help it if he's sensitive.

Last night, he had a few drinks which he told me always made him more courageous to admit things. And so of course he decides to tell me how much he likes me. And if you know me, I'm never one to be so open like that. I don't reveal feelings so easily. I'm not even sure how I responded but he didn't really mind so it must not have been so bad.

So tonight, he started talking to me by saying how I never message him first when I get online. I never really message anyone. I'm not sure if they are busy or whatever.. so if they really want to talk to me, they'll message me. Whatever. So he then does this after saying the previous comment.. "*cries*" which annoys the hell out of me. He did that last night when I didn't really respond to if I liked him or not. Because I can't be that open. I would post the conversation but I don't want to share that kind of stupidity he portrayed. Basically we proceeded to talk about our days and I shared how I got into a little argument with my step-dad which isn't unusual. Anyways, he said this: "gay". And I said, "yes it is." He then went into this habit he always does. He says "you are." How mature. So I told him no and then said maybe he was. He said yes he was and then said something gross which I refuse to type here. I ended the conversation with I'm happy for you and congrats. He hasn't said anything back since then. Oops.

Maybe he should have been nicer about reading my screenplay.

Henry, How I Loathe Thee

I didn't write like I wanted to. Why? Because of that stupid stupid curse. The Writer's Block.

It follows me everywhere. I had it so bad before that I went to Barnes and Noble and bought a frickin' book about how to beat writer's block in 10 days. It didn't work, by the way. Who would've thought?

Writer's block has become like a friend. Or maybe one of those stupid "frenemies" on reality tv shows that I watch on a regular basis. Yeah. Maybe I should give it a name. Give it some personality. Something spiffy. Hmm, let's see....I think I shall it..... Henry. I like that name.

Now that Henry has a name, he can go away. Because he is not wanted.

If only I could write my screenplay as easily as I have with this blog.Why is it that I can write so easily about this nonsense and I can't write my stinking movie?? I have the time... maybe it's the fact that I have no inspiration. Maybe I should pop in some John Mayer and get inspired.

Girls Do What They Want

Dumb boys.

But I've decided to not let the critics get to me and I'm going to keep on going with my screenplay. I'm not going to change anything...I'm not going to go back and re-do it for the millionth time. I'm going to just continue on like I never sent it to the critic boy. :)

So tomorrow, my task is to continue with the next scene and keep going. Erase the "interesting" comment from my mind. It's just hard to overcome writer's block. If a person hasn't really experienced hardcore writer's block, then they have NO idea. It's rough. It's like hell. I know what I want to say. I have the whole stinking movie playing over and over again in my head. I just can't ever get it to sound so amazing when I type it out like it does in my head. Hell, if I could get the movie to sound right like it does in my mind, I would win a freaking Oscar. Which is a goal. I want to win an Oscar. It'd be amazing.

I guess boys can't help what they say sometimes. I want to think he meant well. It's not his fault I'm overly sensitive sometimes. He doesn't even know it upset me. I never really tell anyone I'm upset anyways. I just suck it up, store it internally to the point where I almost explode and continue on.

Maybe when I go to Warped Tour in like 12 days, I'll meet this awesome hot rocker boy who is in this awesome band who appreciates me and wants to marry me that day or at least wants to take me away. A girl can't help but dream....ha

A

So I let this one guy friend read the first 11 pages of my screenplay. I have never let anyone read something I've written that I haven't finished yet. It made me nervous but I value his opinion and he is very brutally honest.

He read it and said this: "Interesting."

That's always quite a word. Could be bad, could be good. He said it read more like a stage play. That's not what I'm going for. Then he goes on this stupid thing about stage actors and film actors. Things I already knew. Yeah I felt defensive. This screenplay is like my child. It's like telling me my child is worthless and fat. I shouldn't have let him read it. Now I feel like it's pure crap already.

I just want to be a writer. But how can I be a writer with so many doubts about my own ability and talent?

I want to write like Ernest Hemingway, Jane Austen, JRR Tolkien and JK Rowling all combined into one. That would be amazing. But I don't know if I can..

In other news, I get to see Harry Potter tomorrow! Woo. I'm such a Harry Potter geek.

The Man in the Mirror

You can hardly turn the tv on without seeing some kind of tribute show to the late great Michael Jackson.

I was sitting in my brother's room, watching television that Thursday he passed away. I saw the Breaking News thing on MTV announce it and I remember I saw up and my jaw dropped. Michael Jackson died?? What the fuck? Seriously?

I can still remember my childhood, dancing to Michael Jackson songs in our dining room in Hamilton, New York. He was like the coolest person I had ever seen. I wanted to be able to moonwalk so bad but I never accomplished that goal. I played MJ's "Bad" cassette (this was before cd's were popular haha..hey it was the 80's people..) until I wore that thing out. I also remember watching "Thriller" for the first time on television. It was around Halloween.. and I was really young again..and I was completely fascinated by the video, but yet it did give me nightmares about MJ zombies haha. Go figure.

So yeah. I'll admit that I was one of those MJ nuts back in the day. And granted, the guy was a little kooky in the last ten years but you cannot deny his talent. And that's what is important and should be remembered. Not all the law suits and pervy things with little boys.. not his kooky behavior or his skin lightening issues...or his nose jobs.. remember him for being the entertainer he was. He was the fricking King of pop.. he seemed bigger than death..like he was immortal. At least to me. Sadly he wasn't.

This may seem fangirly and overdone, but music is such a huge part of my life. All kinds. So RIP MJ.

Screenwriting an Apology

I bought a book recently entitled "How to Write a Selling Screenplay". Yeah, I also want to write a screenplay. I've been working on one for four years now. I've made over five re-writes and I just want to finish it and get it out. I want people to see it. I want people to see these characters that I have seen for four years. I want people to watch my movies and read my novels and learn things. Learn about life and the people in it.

If the weather is nice tomorrow, I am going to take a chair outside, sit out there and read the book. Get a tan and learn some more of the trade. Might as well. I have nothing else to do.

You know how I do

Optimism. Gotta keep the optimism...

With the recent major time on my hands, I've been working on a novel. I've only written two chapters but it's going. I would love to just write for a living. Just sit in front of my laptop and type furiously, creating characters for everyone to get to know. That would be amazing. But, alas, writers don't make that much. But I can dream.

I'm not even sure my novel would be published or sell. It's not a popular topic. It's not something everyone agrees with. But I feel it needs to be addressed.

The Ultimate Goal

I want to work as a publicist for this record company.

Hey baby, let's go to Vegas

A girl I graduated with just recently went to Las Vegas and got married. Now that's how to live. Just hop on a plane with your beloved and head to Vegas to elope. It amazes me.

That's how I want to get married. By an Elvis impersonator. You can't go wrong. Then, I'll renew the vows in a castle in the highlands of Scotland. Wow, that sounds so awesome. I kinda wish I was engaged right now or something. Or even dating a guy. I'd call him up and say, 'hey baby..we're going to Vegas." haha.

I can do that now. I don't have obligations that I used to have..

I am my own worst enemy.

The pivotal first entry of my post college life. Write it down, folks. This should get interesting.

I had a livejournal account, but looking back on it, it felt so..old. Like the old me. I feel different nowadays. Like a true, honest adult. One who doesn't have school to go back to in the fall. I'm done with that. I have cleansed my hands of that drama.

Yet, here comes all that drama that everyone else has talked about. The hard economic times have come to slap me straight in the face. Hard. Why? Because, folks, I have recently graduated college. Yes, in the worst economic times ever. Congratulations, right? Thanks..

Here comes the anxiety of struggling to find a job. To prove that you are better than any other unemployed person desperate to earn money and pay off vast amounts of college loans. It's like a hardcore fist fight to come out on top. And I am not succeeding.

Yet another why? Because all who are hiring want experience. More than three years+ experience. That frustrates me. How am I supposed to get experience when no one will hire me to get that experience? Does that make sense to you? No. It does not. So here I am, sitting in my mom and step-dad's house, unemployed and feeling stressed out. Feeling worthless.

I only graduated almost a month ago. So why am I feeling so stressed out? Like there is no hope of ever finding a job? I don't know. Might be that anxiety disorder I have.

When I was a freshman in college, I had this dream of when I graduated college (finally), some amazing job would fall into my lap that day. I would move away to the west coast to a big city and be so successful. In reality, that hasn't happened yet.

I'm trying to stay optimistic.