You Brought It Up

The past is the past,
Can’t we just leave it at that?
Relationships might end,
But the clock continues to tick.
The world keeps on turning
Even though we couldn’t keep the peace.
Why are you still so angry at me?
You brought it up.
I’m giving it all away.
The pain,
The anger,
The bitterness
The resentment.
I’m standing up for myself today
You can’t control me anymore.
Walk away and be selfish again.
Don’t get offended with what I say.
Because you brought it up.

A "Dark" Poem.

Murderer

You’re nothing but a murderer.
Slinking out into the dark night without a sound.
Your whole being kills everything in sight.
Without remorse, without feeling.
Your victims are strewn across the floor,
You step over them gingerly,
Not wanting to disturb the dead.
Be aware!  The cops are coming.
I called them when I heard you sneak in.
I could hear every step, every move,
Every single breath you made.
My heart begins to pound.
I watch as the door starts to squeak open.
The thud of your steps echo in my mind
As I recall the stories of this nightmare.
The nightmares you have caused.
Please, oh please, I beg you.
Don’t do this to me.
I can see the blood on your hands
And the evil glint in your eyes.
The police sirens scream in the dark.
Breaking the horrible silent night.
Red and blue lights flash.
You creep slowly towards me.
You know you’re running out of time.
I want people to know the truth about you.
The one who tries to take it all away.
A murderer of my heart.

Take This Into Consideration

My creativity hasn't been spot on lately. It's hard when you feel like you have to prove so much to so many people. People who fill those nasty doubts in your head, the ones who make you feel like you're never going to accomplish anything.

Every day, I sit in front of my laptop and work on my novel. Sometimes I have really great days where I accomplish quite a bit. Then, there are days when I don't do so great and not a lot gets written. It's not about how much you produce, it's about the quality, right?

I like to think so.

I've mentioned this before, but this is still really bugging me. The whole "why are you doing this?" "Why write a novel?" My response is "Why not?" I don't see how what I'm doing is so different from everyone else. Sure, it's not an easy thing to achieve but isn't that what makes it so special? I can make a difference in someone's life. It's not a shallow or selfish product for me. Sure, I'm doing what I want to do, but it's not really for my own benefit. And that's what really matters.

I know that people are still going to question me and not even try to understand what I'm doing. I'll put up with it. One day, they will see why this means so much to me. Maybe they will understand then that it's a good thing I wasn't doing what everyone else was. I'm not wasting my time doing something trivial and stupid.

A little support every now and then would be nice though.

Let It Be

Whenever I feel stuck and find myself in a dark place, I listen to this song. This song has saved me from a lot and has made me realize some things. It's easy to get frustrated and want to give up. I know, I've been there. But, there is just so much strength in standing up and letting things be the way they are right now. I can't change the way some things have ended up. I wish things were different. I wish it was so easy to get this book written and then I'd be a successful author. But life isn't that easy. The Beatles say it a lot better than I do.




When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

I wish I had the answers people want. But, I don't. And it hurts to know there are going to be people out there that I can't help. That are hurting so bad and need relief. I'm just that kind of person. That's why my books are going to have a purpose.. a meaning.

Don't Let The Fear Control You

Today, I worked on finishing up a chapter of the novel. I also decided to finish up a couple scenes in the screenplay that I haven't worked on in quite a few months. It was just something that I felt I should look over today.

My writing has been lacking yet again. I'm not sure where my head has been at lately. Something has been holding me back and I'm not exactly sure what it is. The stress I've been experiencing has really started to bring me down to another level. There's only so much a person can deal with before reaching their own breaking point. There are times when I feel like I have nowhere to turn.. the loneliness really creeps its way in at night. My anxiety has been rearing its ugly head. That's something I'll always have to battle anyways.

During the summer of 2006, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder/Panic Disorder after going through horrible panic attacks. These panic attacks ruled  my life. They ruled where I went and what I did. I didn't want to be alone for fear that it would happen when no one was around and something bad would happen to me.  I learned how to fight through them and made sure they didn't take control of myself any longer. Sometimes, they try to sneak back into my life especially this past year of uncertainty and fear. I do my best to push them away.

At the moment, I'm plotting out another novel to write after this one is finished. I think this one is really going to define who I am as a writer and as a person. It's important to define you are in this life. You need to make people aware of your talents and be proud of what you do. I try not to listen to the people who try to bring me down and take away what is most precious to me. Those things are my determination, my talent, and my dedication to the craft I'm involved in.

Like anyone else, I've had to go through battles that could have ruined who I am. These past few years have really tested my own inner strength. I use my weaknesses and turn them into strengths. Don't let those weaknesses or fears hold you back from what you love. Don't let them control who you are.

Not Perfect

Not Perfect

Take a walk in my shoes,

and see the road I've traveled,

the things I've seen,

and the things I've been through.

Your road must have been nice.

Smooth  like a highway

with directions on where to go.

My road has been hell,

a rutted, rocky dirt road

with  no signs for me to follow.

I've been lost so many times,

but you can't understand.

You may not be able to.

Before you start to criticize,

remember just one thing.

People travel on different roads,

see different things,

have different experiences on the way.

So kick off your designer high heels,

and step into my worn shoes.

I'll caution you before you start,

My road's not perfect.

It's Always The Same Thing

If I was given a dollar for every lecture my step-father has given me about my future, I would be a very rich woman right now. Of course, that is what he wants for me as he told me this afternoon. He wants me to give up my "pointless dreams" of being a writer, get out there and get a real job. He says the same things every time:

      "You aren't going to make any money doing that."
      "Why would you waste your time writing anyways?"
      "I just want you to realize your full potential in life."

And to all of these I tell him that I don't really care about being rich. If it happens, it happens. I'm doing this because it makes me happy and I hope that I can help entertain others with novels they enjoy reading. And hopefully, they can get something meaningful out of it.

Also, I don't feel like I'm wasting my time. How is doing something you love such a bad thing? How is that viewed as being a waste of time? To me, it isn't a waste at all. It should never be a waste.

My full potential, huh? Maybe writing is what I'm supposed to do. Maybe this is my "calling" so to speak. I know that the reason why people can't understand my love for writing. It's because it's unheard of around here.  I was told I need to get out there, get married and have a couple of kids. That's just not on my agenda right now. I'm doing something different and nobody wants to take the time to hear me out.

Do I get frustrated by all the doubts from people? Sure, at times. But, I also know that I need to keep going for myself. Only I really know my full potential and that's what I'm doing. I'm putting forth my full potential in my writing and one day, I will get noticed for it. Someone will see it and publish my works.

So, my step-dad can keep the lectures coming. It's just fueling my desire to continue to write.