Destination Unknown

I haven't posted in awhile. I apologize for that. Blame it on depression, irritability, stress..whatever. I just know that I'm tired and annoyed most of the time.

The interview at the bank was a bust. I prepared myself the night before... picked out a very conservative outfit consisting of a button down dress shirt (long sleeved to hide the tattoo on my forearm) and black dress pants. I toned down the usual dark eye make up I wear and I didn't even wear eyeliner. Now if you know me, you'll know I usually don't leave the house without black eyeliner on. Ever. But I did for this interview, thinking it would help. When I got to the bank, I had to wait like forty minutes before the lady came out to see me. She took me back to her office and basically asked me what knowledge I had in certain computer programs.. I told her what programs I was familiar with. Obviously my experience with Excel and such wasn't enough. She asked if I had any questions and I asked what the job entailed thinking I was applying for the secretarial job that was advertised in the paper.

I was wrong. She said it was for some loan agent job. If that was what the job was for, then why the hell didn't you put that in the paper? I kept my mouth shut as she said: "I wanted to call you in and see if you had more experience than you put in your resume but you don't so....." I really wanted to punch her at that moment but I didn't since I was in a bank and that probably wasn't a smart idea. Eh. I just nodded said thank you, and left. If I had that kind of experience, I would have put in my resume. And don't advertise for a job and have it be something completely different. I felt like an ass. Thanks. I appreciate that.

So yeah. I'm not doing well. Trying to keep my composure but I'm getting frustrated. I don't have experience doing things because nobody wants to give me a chance to get that experience. Give me a break. Something.

I hate this place. If I had the money, I would move far away. I wish I had the money... I wish so bad that I could just leave and find a better place where I can get a job I want to do.

Critic Boy, How I Loathe Thee: An Epic Poem

An epic poem. (still in progress haha)

Critic Boy, how I loathe thee
Critic Boy, you disgust me.
Critic Boy, I can't stand you.
Critic Boy, oh Critic Boy..
you are so not worth my time.

Thank you, thank you. *bows* I try.

Finger Prints and Happy Birthdays!

I'm just gonna say getting my finger prints scanned by a nurse in an urgent care clinic for a background check for this substitute teaching job was just weird. Awkward really. Ah well.

I really just wanted to say a BIG happy birthday to my very dear friend, Annie, who is 21 today!! Yay! She's my closest friend who I have known the longest. I'm hoping you are able to go out with your hubby soon to celebrate over dinner or whatever. :)

You're All I Have

This will be short and sweet. I just learned that my favorite band, Silverstein, is going to be coming near me in concert!!!!! Finally! :) I finally get to see the 'Billeh' (the one with the mustache haha)! I can't help it, he's gorgeous. I'll find a better pic to post later lol. Hot Canadian boys with tattoos? Can't get any better than that lol. Sorry Critic Boy. You lose.

If Only

I wish my insecurities wouldn't plague me so. Everywhere I turn, I'm bombarded with self-doubt and stress. I probably would have completed three novels and two screenplays by now and be uber successful if I didn't have such things.

Am I good enough? Will I ever be good enough? Will people like what I do? What if they don't? What if I end up failing and disappointing people?

I never want to disappoint other but in return, I end up disappointing myself because I'm holding myself back. From so much.

We all have plans, you know? Goals and dreams. I want to get out of here and really start living my life.

I feel stifled and lonely a lot. I sit in my room and work on my writing projects (seven pages written on the novel..woo!) but yet, I feel like I'm just wasting away. I don't want to live my life in regret but my anxiety disorder holds me back. My OCD holds me back. I just want to be happy.

More Than Conquerers

I'm going to apply to be a substitute teacher at my old high school tomorrow. Not exactly what my career goals entail but whatever. You have to start out somewhere. And even though teaching isn't anywhere in my goals, that's okay. It's just subbing. I can take snotty kids. I'm not scared haha.

But yeah, I am nervous. I didn't want to go back to high school again. That place sucked. But hey, if they're paying me to be there the days I am there, then I'm okay with that.

I've written five whole pages of my novel! Yay! This process is too slow.

Pardon Me

I believe I'm a magnet for the jackasses of the world. Everywhere I turn, they come out of obscurity and start talking to stupidity, trying to impress me and all that. Throwing out compliments every other sentence, thinking that's the way to get on my good side. It's nice but I can see through the crap, people. And most of it is crap.

I now have a strained friendship communication with Critic Boy. Maybe he gets it now. He gets the fact that I'm not a fan of his anymore.

But now I have to put up with some guy that I've met through another friend from high school..some guy I can't even remember his name and also a guy who claims we were high school sweethearts. I'm not sure I remember that part... hmm.

So the nameless guy..yeah. I have no idea who he is. But he pops up on messenger the other night, asking how I was and telling me how hot I looked in the recent pics I posted on myspace. I had no idea we were myspace friends. I really need to go through my friends list. Anyways, Nameless Guy goes on and on about how awesome I am..how smart I am..how pretty I am..blah, blah, blah. Thanks. It would be great to hear if I actually knew the guy and knew he meant it. This guy actually suggested for me to move into his house and work where he lives. He knows this great coffee shop he could get me a job at where all of the college hipsters hang out at..a place I could "blend in". The thing is, I don't want to blend in. I don't care to blend in. And I'm not about to go move in with some guy I don't even know. I'm smart, remember?

And now onto the supposed high school sweetheart. This guy is married. He has a son who is like... maybe a year old...maybe 2..I don't know. But yeah. When the girl left him last year, he called me crying about how he misses her and his son. How he wanted to be with them again. And so she took him back. Here comes him telling me how unhappy he is. How he sometimes thinks "what if" about me. What if things worked out between us. What if this and that. He said he misses me. I told him he shouldn't. He asked me if I thought what if about him. I told him no. He's married and I don't think what if about married men with families. Sorry, bud. Let it go.

Why me? Why can't I just conversate with a decent guy? Where are they? Does anybody know? If so..send him my way. Please. Just a nice cute rocker boy. Not too picky haha