Looking Forward

In a previous entry (featuring a picture of the late, great Dr. Seuss!) I talked about rejection. I'm almost at the point where I'm going to start researching publishers and such to get my novel out there. This can be a very daunting task. You don't want to rush into something just to get published. I want to make the best decision I can in order to make what I have written worthwhile. That's how anyone should approach life in general. Don't rush into any kind of decision. Think about it and go from there.

This novel is very important to me. It's like my child. I've been spending time with it everyday for hours now. If you aspire to do something, make sure you are dedicated to it. If you are, everything will fall into place. I'm trying to get my own life together in order to make something of myself in the future. I just want to be successful and make a difference.

"We'll never know
If we don't let go
To the things that hold us and control us
We're catching up
Up to the moment
In every moment lies a chance to win"
-Benton Paul "Run"

What This Means To Me

The stuff I write always has a purpose. There's always a meaning behind it. I don't want to just write because I can. Being a writer isn't really a get rich quick kind of thing. You shouldn't be into something just for the money anyways.

I am doing this because it's what I love to do. It fills a void in me. And if I can write something that helps people walk away with a different view on things then that's even better.

Currently, I'm almost through with chapter 10. I got to a part I was looking forward to write since I started the novel. Once I get to the pivotal point in the plot, I'm sure things will be smooth sailing. It's frustrating having to wait until the part but it'll be so worth it once I do.

That's Right, Another Poem.

This poem is a bit depressing. It came from a short story that I wrote a long, long time ago.


Always Waiting For You

The cold wind sings its lonely song,
playing it just for me.
God only knows how long I've been standing here,
waiting for you.
I'll keep on waiting for you.
People pass by and stare at me,
with their looks of disbelief.
I hear what they say,
"She's gone crazy, standing there,
waiting for a guy who'll never come back."
I just want to hold you in my arms again.
Feel your warm touch.
Hear your sweet voice in my ear.
I want to clutch onto you so tight,
just to make sure you'll never leave again.
I make a plea on my knees to send you back.
Please, oh, please come back to me.
The tears just won't stop falling.
Come back and wipe them away.
The wind is blowing colder
and the rain has started pouring.
But I'm still out here, wet and cold.
Still waiting, always waiting for you.
And instead of clutching you so tight,
I'm clutching onto your cold stone,
waiting for you.

Writing Prompt #5

Look out the window and describe everything you see as best as you can. Don't leave out anything. Describe the sounds, the colors, the smells, the people you see. Now write a free verse poem based on that.

A New Perspective

I think I've been working so hard on my novel, I now have a major tension headache. At least it's from working too hard and not hard enough. That's a way to look at it, anyways.

Right now, I'm working on another poem. It just kind of hit me, so I'm trying to make that sound okay. Maybe I'll post it tomorrow. Depends on my mood. :)

I have been doing a lot of thinking today. I like to play that 'what if' game. What if I had done things differently in my life. The whole instant regret thing I like to do. I probably should have done things a bit differently in college. I should have been more outgoing. I shouldn't have let certain people (who do not read this blog, so everyone who does is fine. No worries.) treat me the way they did. I should have done more with the English department.. maybe asserted myself a bit more. Made myself stand out in the crowd instead of blend into the background. I just did the work they gave me and went on with my days. My last year went by in a blur and I didn't do a damn thing to be proud of. My resume looks bland.. my English degree is gathering dust on my dresser.

But then again, I can do something with my life now. I can go on to publish the novels I want to and make something of myself now to prove everyone else that I can do it. That they are wrong about me. I'm not a failure. I'm not a loser. I can't go back to those college days where I didn't really do the things I wanted to do. But the people who brought me down in those days aren't really in my life anymore. Cleaning up some of them was a very hard decision on my part but again, this is my life and I have to take care of myself. I can't have that kind of negativity anymore. Do I miss some of them? Sure. Do I wish them well? Absolutely. But I just couldn't handle the drama anymore.

I feel better now. Thanks for "listening" haha.

Back to writing, I go.

The Perfect Day

Today while writing on the novel, I truly felt like this was what I was supposed to do. It was like I got the honest passion for it again. I haven't felt like that since high school. I began to write today and didn't stop for a few hours. I can honestly say it's a very peaceful time to be sitting in front of your computer and just letting it all flow into the story. And when it goes actually sounds like it's making sense then it's perfect. You can't beat that. I can only hope that everyone else can experience that feeling with whatever they truly enjoy doing. It doesn't matter if it's writing, drawing, listening to music, working.. as long as you are in the moment and having the best time of your life then it's worth it. Never give up hope that things can get better because they can. Goals and dreams can be achieved if you work hard enough at it. Anything is possible. I refuse to forget that.

Times may be hard right now. I am one of many people who are unemployed right now. I have a very expensive college degree sitting on my dresser right now but it doesn't matter much right now. I'm sure that in time it will matter to someone. But right now, I'm not going to get down and say that it's all pointless because it's not. Things will get better. :) I believe that. If my writing can help inspire others to go for what they want to do then it really is worth all the struggles and dark times. Just go for what you want to do. Who cares what anyone else says, you know?

Guess what time it is?? No..it's poem time, silly. :)

I decided I'm going to post another poem tonight. I wrote this poem for a creative writing I took in college. I liked it. We had to find a picture on the internet and write a poem based on it. I went and found this picture of this shaggy haired guy leaning against a beat up van, playing an acoustic guitar. If I still had the picture I would post it but alas, I don't have the picture but I do have the poem. Here it is:



Sorcerer of Music

He leaned onto the van and held his guitar tightly,
Staring up at me with that crooked grin,
his eyes asking me for my song.
He picked the strings lightly as he waited.
A soft melodic tune played, lulling my eyes closed.
I could still see his image burn bright in my head.
His wavy hair, big brown eyes and long fingers
that continuously manipulated the strings.
It was mesmerizing.
It was haunting.
It was so many things I couldn’t speak.
He cleared his throat and my eyes opened.
He began to sing a song I never heard
But wanted to hear over and over again.
Like water rushing through a stream,
the excitement of the music went through me.
He knew the magic he held within,
a sorcerer of music, power in his hands.
This man without a name
who contained the music within my soul.

Writing Prompt #4

Write a news feature based on any fairy tale.

Even Dr. Seuss Got Rejected...

Ah, rejection. The thought of being rejected makes my stomach twist into knots. I have yet to be rejected by any publishers but I know it'll happen. Every writer is rejected at one point in their lives. But I have to overcome my fear of rejection because it's not a reason to not try at all. Life is hard but breaking through all barriers and achieving a life-long dream will make it all worthwhile.

So even though I will probably be rejected by numerous publishers, it only takes one to say yes. And one will.

Even the great children's book author, Theodor Geisel (aka: Dr. Seuss) was rejected 29 times before his book, To Think I Saw It On Mulberry Street, was published. So there's always hope. :) That man is one of my literary heroes.

Poem Time

Here's a poem I wrote about five years or so ago. I found it in an old poetry notebook that I used.

Just Your Ugly Sweater (Laundry Day)

Like a sweater discarded in a closet,
I am shoved away,
stored in a musty attic,
in a cardboard box filled with mothballs,
brought out only when needed.
I cry out loud for you to hear me,
but you don't seem to listen.
You're too busy with your other sweaters.
Sweaters more durable and vibrant,
with no holes or wears and tears.
I'm just your ugly "grandpa" sweater,
one you only wear on laundry day.
A sweater to be ashamed of.
I'm not your second best,
your third or fourth even.
I'm just the ugly sweater you put away.
Never to really be considered.
Except for maybe on laundry day.

Writing Prompt #3

Imagine going out on your very first blind date. Write a metered rhymed poem about the experience.

Everything is Alright

More writing was achieved today. It's just moving along..finally.

I do have some issues with how the plot is going. It's actually twisted into a way I didn't really foresee but I think the way it did work out is a lot better than I originally planned. Mapping out the plot beforehand has really helped though. It's nice to have something to fall back on whether it works out that way or not. I'm just going with the flow. I'll edit later.

Writing Prompt #2

Write about a person who gets stuck in an elevator on a very important day. Who is it? When does this happen? What happens?

This Week, The Trend

More writing has been accomplished for today. I'm on a roll. It's really all about self-discipline and motivating yourself to do it. If I don't motivate myself, it won't happen. But, now I'm on chapter eight and I'm pretty sure I know where to go next, it just may take some tweaking here and there to get it to that point. I don't want to have a story that drags on and on.

On a different note, I applied for a writer's job at a non-profit organization. Of course along with a bachelor's degree they require at least two years job-related experience. It's all they want these days. Experience. I don't have that much said experience but I do have that very expensive, spiffy English degree, people. 

I am a writer. I have experience as a writer. Maybe not in the professional sense they are requiring, but I do know how to write properly. I know how to do research. I know how to do things. But, of course, there are probably people out there who have that experience they are looking for. That's how it is. But I applied so I can't say I never tried. Again, I get so frustrated with how things have worked out. The disappointment is getting stifling. But I keep on going because I'm young and that's what I have to do. That's life.

One day, I will get recognized for my writing. One day, people will notice what I'm doing and it's going to make a difference to so many people.

Writing Prompt For The Day

Close your eyes and think back to one of your happiest memories. Write about that memory, using as many descriptions as you can.

Onto Chapter Seven....

It feels really great to be able to say that I'm not on chapter seven of my novel. Things are progressing rather well but of course, we'll see how I feel about that once I'm on the rewrite stage.

My characters are also progressing and hopefully they are standing out on their own. I like to develop strong characters that people either love or hate. There should be no in between. Their emotions should be felt by the reader. Their anger, sadness, love, betrayal....everything. Writing holds no boundaries. I'm just going for it.

I was given some advice the other day. Just don't hold back and go for it. You won't achieve anything if you don't do something. If you have a passion for something, then don't hold back.

Which brings me to my most recent post. It was more of a rant towards those who refuse to believe in what I'm trying to do because it just doesn't make sense to them. It's not doing what others are doing. I'm trying to express my own creativity and some people don't understand that. That was what I was trying to get at it in my last post.

To be a writer (or whatever you decide to be), a person really needs to let go of all insecurities and just be who you are. Put your heart and soul into what you do. Who cares what anyone else thinks? Just be you, you know?

Now I'll get on to writing chapter eight. :)

Believe

The frustrations of doing this are mind blowing. The stress of it all is out of this world insanity.

I understand that some people just don't get it. They don't get the whole novelist idea. The desire to be something where you can create a whole different world and characters to go with it.

I'm just trying to accomplish a life-long dream. I'm merely trying to do something I'm passionate about. I'm not doing this just to pass the time. I'm not just trying to get attention. Because let me tell you, most people could care less about this whole thing. It doesn't concern them. It's not apart of their every day lives.

Is that what frustrates me? I would be lying if I said it wasn't a part of it. Sure, I want to be noticed as a great writer someday. I want others to take note of the struggles I have to go through to accomplish this because I feel it matters. It all matters. I just want people to look past the superficial part of their lives and look deep into themselves and realize their own dreams. To go for it. Stop being afraid of who you are and what you really want in life. I feel it's all worth the fight to get. To be truly happy. Writing is what makes me happy. It's sad to know that there are people out there who haven't really realized what makes them happy. They may think they know but really don't. They're wasting away, trying to find the next fix to make them happy.

I don't even know where this post came from. It's almost two in the morning and I should be in bed. I have to write in the morning....

New Poem

Here is the poem that I wrote the other day.

Hello Loneliness

Your body disappears like a wisp of smoke
Through my fiercely clenched hands.
Turned so white at the knuckle.
Desperate and confused,
My heart pounds faster as I watch
It all evaporate into nothing.
All the memories and laughter,
The many tears and the anger.
Nothing will ever bring you back
There are no words I could express
No tears that I could cry.
I would give the world to see you once more.
To see your bright smile,
Your smiling joyful eyes.
But there is nothing I could say.
Except for goodbye to you.
And hello to loneliness.

It's still a pretty rough version but this is the jest of it. Concerning my novel, I still haven't really written anything on it but I have done some editing. And I have thought about scenes. Hopefully, tomorrow, I can get my brain around to writing on it. We shall see.

One of These Days

I didn't get any writing done on the novel today. Still feel kinda crappy and worn out from being sick last week. But I did manage to write a poem today. It kinda came out of the blue. Gotta love moments like that. I'll try and post it tomorrow once I polish it up.

Yesterday, I also managed to work on a bit of the screenplay. It surprised me that I even opened the document, much less felt like working on it. This screenplay has left me feeling so hopeless and confused on so many occasions but I'm not giving up on it. It's like my baby.

So I guess I was more productive on certain things than I thought.

Under the Weather....Again.

Come to find out, being really sick doesn't lead to much productivity either. I've been feeling under the weather for the past two days so writing hasn't really been on my mind. Sleeping and getting better have. Lots and lots of sleeping.

Maybe I'll feel better enough tomorrow to dive back into my novel. I was getting to a good part...

The Remedy

Novel progress: I managed 2 pages today. I shut myself in my room, got as comfortable as I could and started to type. There were a few moments when I stopped and thought about what people would think about this part or that part. Then, I realized that that is what is holding me back. What people might think... who really cares? Yeah, some people are not going to like it but I'm hoping that there will be people who do like it. They might love it. They might feel the circumstances and the issues that my characters are going through because they might be going through the same thing. Maybe this novel will speak to someone so much that they figure out their own lives. And that is what should matter. Being able to speak to someone.

That's what is going to keep me going. My love for this and my desire make an impact in someone's life. I know I have read books that have made me think differently about certain things.

Now off to make more progress. :)

Snowed In

I have lost count how many people have told me that snow days lead to such productivity. Really? Well, let's see here, snow is falling outside my window as I type this and has been since early this morning. Let me check my progress for the day on this novel. Hmm.. not seeing the productivity here.

I guess it just depends on who the person is and the situation they are in. Am I stressed? You bet. Do I feel like I'm in an environment that oozes of creativity? Definitely not. Far from it, my friends.

My guess is that if I were not living at home with the family, I would have gotten a lot more accomplished writing wise. Snow days here just mean everyone is stuck in the house and bitching at each other. I don't know how many times my mom came into my room today to either ask me to do something or tell me some story.

I would love to be living in a place where I could just write without any interruptions. Or be able to go to a place that truly inspires creativity. But, at the moment, I'm not there. So, I have to deal.

Now, that mostly everyone has went to bed (my mom likes to go to bed early on her days off), I plan on getting more done. Almost finished with chapter six. 27 pages. I guess that's an accomplishment so far, right?

I Make a Music Playlist For All of My Writing Projects

I guess you could say music is my muse nowadays..

The Writing Mood Playlist: (it's a long list)

Run --Benton Paul
The End --Silverstein
Mad World --Adam Lambert
Weightless --All Time Low
Only Ones Who Know --Arctic Monkeys
Sidewalks (Acoustic) --Story of the Year
Lullaby --The Spill Canvas
Konstantine --Something Corporate
I Want To Save You --Something Corporate
Apologize --Silverstein
Discovering The Waterfront --Silverstein
True Romance --Silverstein
My Heroine (Acoustic) --Silverstein
Call It Karma (Acoustic) --Silverstein
Hero Of War --Rise Against
Your Guardian Angel --The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Karma Police --Radiohead
The Balcony Scene --Pierce The Veil
Yeah Boy and Doll Face --Pierce The Veil
Northern Downpour --Panic At the Disco
Optimist (We Are Not For Them) --P.O.S.
Fireflies --Owl City
More Than Conquerors --Ocean Is Theory
Wonderwall --Oasis
Always Love --Nada Surf
Drive --Incubus
Comfortably Confused --I See Stars
Flightless Bird. American Mouth --Iron & Wine
Bruised --Jack's Mannequin
Rescued --Jack's Mannequin
21 Guns --Green Day
Are We The Waiting --Green Day
Love Me Tender --Elvis Presley
Title and Registration --Deathcab for Cutie
If It Means A Lot to You --A Day To Remember
If Not For My Glasses --Dear & The Headlights
Viva La Vida --Coldplay
The Scientist --Coldplay
Couldn't Let You Love Me --Closure In Moscow
I'm A Ghost Of Twilight --Closure In Moscow
Intensity In Ten Cities --Chiodos
A Letter From Janelle (Acoustic)--Chiodos
Lexington. (Joey Pea-Pot With A Monkey Face)--Chiodos
Life Is A Perception Of Your Own Reality --Chiodos
Diamonds --Breathe Carolina
Classified --Breathe Carolina
The Birds And The Bees --Breathe Carolina
No Vacancy --Breathe Carolina
Welcome To Savannah --Breathe Carolina
Hello Fascination --Breathe Carolina
Love Drunk --Boys Like Girls
Holiday --Boys Like Girls
There Is --Boxcar Racer
Let It Be --The Beatles
While My Guitar Gently Weeps --The Beatles
Hey Jude --The Beatles
Blackbird --The Beatles
Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da --The Beatles
Dear Prudence --The Beatles
The Remedy --Jason Mraz
The Middle --Jimmy Eat World
23 --Jimmy Eat World
The Heart Of Life --John Mayer
Slow Dancing In A Burning Room --John Mayer
In Repair --John Mayer
Free Fallin' (Live) --John Mayer
Lenny/Man On The Side --John Mayer
Goody, Like Two Shoes --Matchbook Romance
Singing Bridges (We All Fall) --Matchbook Romance
Say It Like You Mean It --Matchbook Romance
Anywhere But Here --Mayday Parade
Get Up --Mayday Parade
I Swear This Time I Mean It --Mayday Parade
Miserable At Best --Mayday Parade
You Be the Anchor..... --Mayday Parade
Everything is Alright --Motion City Soundtrack
Sink Into Me --Taking Back Sunday
Where My Mouth Is --Taking Back Sunday
Everything Must Go --Taking Back Sunday
New American Classic --Taking Back Sunday
…Slowdance On The Inside --Taking Back Sunday
Experimental Film --They Might Be Giants
Missing You --Tyler Hilton
When It Comes --Tyler Hilton
The Letter Song --Tyler Hilton
A Fault Line. A Fault of Mine --Underoath
Desolute Earth:: The End is Near --Underoath
The Space Between --Valencia
Island in the Sun --Weezer
Buddy Holly --Weezer
Battle Royale --The Word Alive
A Beautiful Lie --30 Seconds To Mars
The Kill --30 Seconds To Mars
Savior --30 Seconds To Mars
Still Around --3OH!3
Kings and Queens --30 Seconds to Mars

Time to Share

Here's a rough version of a poem I wrote a few days ago. Enjoy.


The Battle for Hope and Promise

I woke up this morning a changed person.
I became full of hope and promise.
Those feelings sprang inside me,
Rushing through me like water through a stream.
Who is to say what you can’t accomplish?
To dash my dreams with a single bitter word.
I stand up so strong ready for a fight
To fight for what I believe in.
To fight for my own dreams.
So be ready to draw your sword
Because I’m now a soldier
A soldier for hope and promise.

I Swear This Time I Mean It

Sometimes I have so many ideas floating around in my head that it's hard to focus on what is at hand. I'm sitting here in my room with John Mayer currently playing in the background. My novel is opened on my desktop and yet, here I am, not working on it. I looked over it. I edited it a bit. I scribbled some notes in my writing journal. And I realized the one thing that has been holding me back.

Self doubt.

I've been told so many times that I wouldn't be able to accomplish what I wanted to. That it was all a wasted effort so why even try? You'll never make it. You are just wasting your time. Those words finally soaked into my brain and hindered me from being able to do the one thing I have always wanted to do. The one thing I was always good at.

Well enough is enough. I'm going to get rid of this self doubt and prove everyone wrong. I don't need it.


And by the way, everything in life is writable only if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt. ~Sylvia Plath

Fiction

I bought a couple writer's reference books a year ago to aid me in writing a better story. I thought they would help. You know the kind.. the ones that tell you you shouldn't do this and you should write this way. But make sure you don't use too many descriptions but you need just this much in order to get the plot going. And, oh, don't forget your characterizations. And dialog, dialog, dialog.

I mean, really?? Come on. I'm not an idiot. I know how to write. Well, at least, I did until I read those craptastic "books".

I even bought a book about getting rid of writer's block in 10 days. Yes. Supposedly after reading this book, you will be so enlightened to beat writer's block in only 10 days. I read the book. I did the stupid pointless exercises, making those lists with my dominant and non dominant hand.... I made the charts... I did everything. Did I beat writer's block in 10 days? No, my friends, I did not. I wasted 10 days doing all the stuff that was supposed to help. I want a refund.

Excuse me while I go bang my head against the wall a few times.. it should only take a minute......

...................

Okay, I'm back. I did manage to write a page the other day. And today, I managed a whole sentence! Thank you. I'm quite proud of it myself. It's not that I don't have ideas. That's not my issue at the moment. The reason why I'm such a struggling writer is the fact that I cannot get focused. My inspiration isn't there. I'm stressed out to the max.

And I'm reading crappy writer's reference books that don't know what they're talking about!

I think I'll go read some Hemingway and get inspired. That man knew how to write.