Critic Boy, How I Loathe Thee: An Epic Poem

An epic poem. (still in progress haha)

Critic Boy, how I loathe thee
Critic Boy, you disgust me.
Critic Boy, I can't stand you.
Critic Boy, oh Critic Boy..
you are so not worth my time.

Thank you, thank you. *bows* I try.

Finger Prints and Happy Birthdays!

I'm just gonna say getting my finger prints scanned by a nurse in an urgent care clinic for a background check for this substitute teaching job was just weird. Awkward really. Ah well.

I really just wanted to say a BIG happy birthday to my very dear friend, Annie, who is 21 today!! Yay! She's my closest friend who I have known the longest. I'm hoping you are able to go out with your hubby soon to celebrate over dinner or whatever. :)

You're All I Have

This will be short and sweet. I just learned that my favorite band, Silverstein, is going to be coming near me in concert!!!!! Finally! :) I finally get to see the 'Billeh' (the one with the mustache haha)! I can't help it, he's gorgeous. I'll find a better pic to post later lol. Hot Canadian boys with tattoos? Can't get any better than that lol. Sorry Critic Boy. You lose.

If Only

I wish my insecurities wouldn't plague me so. Everywhere I turn, I'm bombarded with self-doubt and stress. I probably would have completed three novels and two screenplays by now and be uber successful if I didn't have such things.

Am I good enough? Will I ever be good enough? Will people like what I do? What if they don't? What if I end up failing and disappointing people?

I never want to disappoint other but in return, I end up disappointing myself because I'm holding myself back. From so much.

We all have plans, you know? Goals and dreams. I want to get out of here and really start living my life.

I feel stifled and lonely a lot. I sit in my room and work on my writing projects (seven pages written on the novel..woo!) but yet, I feel like I'm just wasting away. I don't want to live my life in regret but my anxiety disorder holds me back. My OCD holds me back. I just want to be happy.

More Than Conquerers

I'm going to apply to be a substitute teacher at my old high school tomorrow. Not exactly what my career goals entail but whatever. You have to start out somewhere. And even though teaching isn't anywhere in my goals, that's okay. It's just subbing. I can take snotty kids. I'm not scared haha.

But yeah, I am nervous. I didn't want to go back to high school again. That place sucked. But hey, if they're paying me to be there the days I am there, then I'm okay with that.

I've written five whole pages of my novel! Yay! This process is too slow.

Pardon Me

I believe I'm a magnet for the jackasses of the world. Everywhere I turn, they come out of obscurity and start talking to stupidity, trying to impress me and all that. Throwing out compliments every other sentence, thinking that's the way to get on my good side. It's nice but I can see through the crap, people. And most of it is crap.

I now have a strained friendship communication with Critic Boy. Maybe he gets it now. He gets the fact that I'm not a fan of his anymore.

But now I have to put up with some guy that I've met through another friend from high school..some guy I can't even remember his name and also a guy who claims we were high school sweethearts. I'm not sure I remember that part... hmm.

So the nameless guy..yeah. I have no idea who he is. But he pops up on messenger the other night, asking how I was and telling me how hot I looked in the recent pics I posted on myspace. I had no idea we were myspace friends. I really need to go through my friends list. Anyways, Nameless Guy goes on and on about how awesome I am..how smart I am..how pretty I am..blah, blah, blah. Thanks. It would be great to hear if I actually knew the guy and knew he meant it. This guy actually suggested for me to move into his house and work where he lives. He knows this great coffee shop he could get me a job at where all of the college hipsters hang out at..a place I could "blend in". The thing is, I don't want to blend in. I don't care to blend in. And I'm not about to go move in with some guy I don't even know. I'm smart, remember?

And now onto the supposed high school sweetheart. This guy is married. He has a son who is like... maybe a year old...maybe 2..I don't know. But yeah. When the girl left him last year, he called me crying about how he misses her and his son. How he wanted to be with them again. And so she took him back. Here comes him telling me how unhappy he is. How he sometimes thinks "what if" about me. What if things worked out between us. What if this and that. He said he misses me. I told him he shouldn't. He asked me if I thought what if about him. I told him no. He's married and I don't think what if about married men with families. Sorry, bud. Let it go.

Why me? Why can't I just conversate with a decent guy? Where are they? Does anybody know? If so..send him my way. Please. Just a nice cute rocker boy. Not too picky haha

Multitasker.

I've decided I'm going to write another novel. Well, the first one I wrote in high school was never published but I still wrote one. It's an unpublished novel. This one I'm hoping to get published. I'm still working on the screenplay. I just like to multitask. Don't judge me.

I have so many stories in my head. So much that I could write. I just have this problem where I feel intimidated by the process. I begin to panic and doubt my writing talents. But I'm going to do this. I'm going to succeed. I will be the writer I've always wanted to be.

I'm just not going to be sharing this with Critic Boy.

Little Things

I realized I haven't talked about Critic Boy in awhile. It's not that I haven't been talking to him. It just isn't on the same scale as it used to be. We don't talk as much. If we do talk, it's more the small talk kind like "how are you?" "how's your day?" etc..etc.

I'll admit I'm very picky about the guys I date. I've settled in the past and ended up with royal douche bags. People kept saying "give guys a chance. You never know. They may end up being wonderful." Nope. Definitely not.

Where's my hot tattooed/pierced rocker boy?? I'm waiting haha

Rescued

Avoiding someone who lives in the same house as you can be awfully exhausting. But, in order to keep the peace, I must do this. Oh well.

Looking into becoming a substitute teacher for the time being. I was going to go in today, but I woke up with such a sinus headache, I didn't want to do a thing. So, I'll get it done next week. No huge rush, I guess.

So during my free time, I've been watching a lot of tv.. those stupid reality tv shows. Especially the ones on VH1 about retarded people trying to find "love". On a reality show. Make sense? It doesn't to me.

I've gotten into the new season of Real Chance of Love. Haha, those guys make me laugh. Hard. Just watching all of those skanky girls beat the crap out of each other to date those guys is hilarious. Oh the joys of tv.

Life is a perception of your own reality

So today I had a nice good cry. Okay, maybe it wasn't so nice. I hate to cry. But, of course that's how things go these days.

I'll try to make this brief. Basically, I was in my brother's room, watching something on tv when my step-dad bellows out my name from the kitchen. That's how I'm summoned here. I go to the kitchen and he points to the sink where a few dirty dishes were in and said "You need to do the dishes." Right. I know I have to do the dishes. That's just one of the things I'm expected to do around here. So I tell him, "Yes, I know. Just give me a couple minutes." I actually wanted to wait until there were more dishes to warrant using dish detergent but obviously that wasn't what he wanted. He rolled his eyes and said, "whatever. You always do what you want to do anyways." Then he goes off into his bedroom where he'll continue to sleep all day.

This upset me. My step dad always acts like I do absolutely nothing in this freaking house. Like nothing gets done. That I'm just some worthless unemployed loser. Funny how he doesn't have a job either. That all he does is sleep all day or sit around in his underwear. Yeah, it disturbs me too. I went in and did the stupid dishes. And then I cried.. and then I had to go take out the garbage. That's what I do. I get up early to feed the dogs, the cats, hell I even have to take care of his dumb dog. I make sure the horses have water and when they don't, I give them water. I do the dishes, clean the house, help with laundry, etc..etc. And yet, I don't do a damn thing.

Is it my fault I can't find a job? No. What does he expect me to do? I'm not alone here. There are a lot of damn people who can't find a job right now. Give me a break here. I wish I could move away. Move far, far away.

Bonus Mosh Pt. II (Yet not really..lol)

This was me and Sosha before the warped tour mosh pits/crowd surfers started. Damn, I couldn't even go to a pop rock band with the mosh pits. Who moshes to pop rock??? Seriously. Those hardcore wannabe kids, that's who.

My biggest pet peeve is not being able to watch one of my favorite bands play without being on constant guard watching out for crowd surfers passing over me and those "tough" kids rushing the stage and pushing each way. I'm a little person. I don't have a lot of strength to push them all back. Damn them.

I'll post more later. I still haven't recovered from the soreness/exhaustion. My tattoo is even sunburnt. Gross.

The Rock Show

I leave for St. Louis tomorrow and am going to Warped Tour the next day. My feelings? Excited and anxious. I'm ready for something new. I'm ready to be surrounded by people who like the same music I do. Of course, that got me in trouble with Critic Boy though.. ha.

I'm going to the casino tomorrow. Yep. Going to play the slot machines and maybe win a fortune. It's a nice dream. Then on Monday I'm going to be surrounded by lots of sweaty rocker boys and their sweaty fans. Crowd surfers, mosh pits, glass beer bottles being thrown in the air. Yeah, fun times. I hate crowd surfers. They annoy the hell out of me. I'm not there to watch out for stupid crowd surfers going over my head. I paid money to watch one of my favorite bands play, dumbass.

It's an early bed time for me because I have to be up at like six in the morning. I haven't been up that early in awhile. But it's worth it.