I Swear This Time I Mean It

Sometimes I have so many ideas floating around in my head that it's hard to focus on what is at hand. I'm sitting here in my room with John Mayer currently playing in the background. My novel is opened on my desktop and yet, here I am, not working on it. I looked over it. I edited it a bit. I scribbled some notes in my writing journal. And I realized the one thing that has been holding me back.

Self doubt.

I've been told so many times that I wouldn't be able to accomplish what I wanted to. That it was all a wasted effort so why even try? You'll never make it. You are just wasting your time. Those words finally soaked into my brain and hindered me from being able to do the one thing I have always wanted to do. The one thing I was always good at.

Well enough is enough. I'm going to get rid of this self doubt and prove everyone wrong. I don't need it.


And by the way, everything in life is writable only if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt. ~Sylvia Plath

Fiction

I bought a couple writer's reference books a year ago to aid me in writing a better story. I thought they would help. You know the kind.. the ones that tell you you shouldn't do this and you should write this way. But make sure you don't use too many descriptions but you need just this much in order to get the plot going. And, oh, don't forget your characterizations. And dialog, dialog, dialog.

I mean, really?? Come on. I'm not an idiot. I know how to write. Well, at least, I did until I read those craptastic "books".

I even bought a book about getting rid of writer's block in 10 days. Yes. Supposedly after reading this book, you will be so enlightened to beat writer's block in only 10 days. I read the book. I did the stupid pointless exercises, making those lists with my dominant and non dominant hand.... I made the charts... I did everything. Did I beat writer's block in 10 days? No, my friends, I did not. I wasted 10 days doing all the stuff that was supposed to help. I want a refund.

Excuse me while I go bang my head against the wall a few times.. it should only take a minute......

...................

Okay, I'm back. I did manage to write a page the other day. And today, I managed a whole sentence! Thank you. I'm quite proud of it myself. It's not that I don't have ideas. That's not my issue at the moment. The reason why I'm such a struggling writer is the fact that I cannot get focused. My inspiration isn't there. I'm stressed out to the max.

And I'm reading crappy writer's reference books that don't know what they're talking about!

I think I'll go read some Hemingway and get inspired. That man knew how to write.

Hello Alone

I sent the first six chapters of my novel to a woman I had Creative Writing class with. I felt like she would be honest with me and be constructive with her criticism (unlike Critic Boy...). She has yet to get back to me with what she thought but she did send me a message on facebook saying that she isn't completely finished yet but what she has read is and I quote: "Amazing." I'm not quite sure what that means but..I'll take it. It's better than what Critic Boy would say, I'm sure. I would hate to know what he would say. Probably something cynical and sarcastic because that's just how he is. I've learned to just take what he says with a grain of salt because it's not worth getting upset over. We all have our critics, right? And if I want to make this writing a profession and be successful about it, I need to learn to deal with the critics. That's just life.

I haven't really written in awhile though. I've come across yet another case of writer's block. I just can't get my head to focus with all the stress that I've been experiencing. If it isn't about friends, it's about family. I went out for a weekend with friends last weekend, and I came home only to be verbally attacked by my step dad while my mom was in the grocery store buying him yet another pack of cigarettes. This is what he said:

"Do you realize that everything you do, but breathe, costs people money?"

I didn't say anything.

He said: "And do you realize you've wasted half your life doing nothing?"

At this point, I became very upset and told him that that wasn't true and he really needed to learn how to count. I told him I can't get a job if there are no jobs out there.

He's just so frustrating. I don't know how much more I can take without having a complete nervous breakdown. This is why I can't write. Because I have no support. I know that's probably not true at all but I just don't hear it anymore. All I need is for you to ask me how my writing is going and such. That's it.

This is what happens when I get bored on New Years Eve...

sparkling cat's sparkling cat

swiftly i have never swim, swimmingly beyond
any vampire, your darth vader have their dirty:
in your most large nail polish are things which shimmy me,
or which i cannot eat because they are too excitedly

your smelly look rapidly will unshoot me
though i have wash myself as notebook,
you type always television by television myself as sun fight
(holding timidly, eagerly) her bitter belt

or if your castle be to blink me, i and
my ipod will run very carefully, quickly,
as when the hobo of this vampire talk
the lipstick happily everywhere walking;

nothing which we are to drink in this zombie dance
the jay z of your pink converse shoe: whose skateboard
knock me with the chair of its jacket,
kissing lightbulb and pierce the veil with each singing

(i do not play what it is about you that jimmy
and listen; only something in me paint
the pajama pants of your darth vader is short than all sun)
gloves, not even the grass, has such hot tank top

- melissa & e.e. cummings

So I found this madlib poem exercise game on this site:

http://www.languageisavirus.com

Fun times....E.E. Cummings and I sure can write a great poem haha. Thanks, man.

Dismantle. Repair

I logged onto my e-mail today only to find stupid boy and his unreasonably jealous girlfriend has added me on facebook. I could have denied these requests. Did I? No..curiosity got the best of me. I wanted to be nosy and see this girl's page. Much to my disappointment, there wasn't much, except for a few gag worthy pictures of the two. I seriously could have vomited. I don't think I've been more happy to be rid of someone than I am right now. What a jackass.

I've got some writing done today. I don't know if I'm thrilled with it but it's just the first draft.

Hopeless

Still not a whole lot accomplished writing wise. The holidays stress me out.

I did get an e-mail response from you know who. Here it is:

My incredibly jealous girlfriend probably did it while I wasn't here, judging as I thought you deleted me. What was the nature of the message? I've been contacted by several old friends of mine who happen to be female and I never know about it. I deeply apologize. She did interrogate me about you the other day, so that is likely what happened. I'm sorry. I really thought you deleted me. Hmph. I swear. Anyways, sorry again. Happy holidays, since I couldn't say it sooner, I have to go get ready for work though, so I'll talk to you later.

-Kyle


Seriously? Your incredibly jealous 18 year old girlfriend needs to back the hell off and not jump to conclusions when I just ask how you are doing. Oh man..and she interrogated him about me. Ha, I wonder what he said.. if she only knew what I know.....

Ain't No Sunshine

I hate winter. I hate it with a passion. Right now, it's cold, dark, and rainy. Did you know that December is the month where writers are the least productive? Why? Because it's a friggin' stupid, gross month, that's why. Plus, the holidays stress people out and everyone is on edge. I'm tired of winter already and it just started. I'm ready for warm weather and sunshine. A time when I can go outside and write. When I can open up my bedroom window and let the warm fresh air in.

I'm trying to get some writing done. I'm making myself do it. The novel has about five crappy chapters written (I keep telling myself it's the first draft so it's okay if it's a bit crappy now) and my screenplay is....going....ish. We'll see how it goes. I just wish I had the motivation to write like I did in high school. That was a time when I could write all day. Of course, I didn't have all the stress and pressure that I have now.