Coming down is calming down

After a few days of no contact with Critic Boy, he pops up on messenger last night. You can't see me right now, but I'm rolling my eyes. He seemed really nice at first. I swear. Now, he's just annoying.

I knew I shouldn't have let him read the beginning of my screenplay. It was just ten pages.. only like 9 scenes or so. It wasn't established yet. Give me a break, Critic Boy. Give me a break.

But I am happy to say that I'm making progress with my screenplay. Even with the constant plague of self-doubt I've always had. You can't please everyone. Everyone in the world is not going to like what I produce. And I have to learn to be okay with that. I'm a people pleaser. I don't like to disappoint anyone. I don't want anyone to not like what I do. I hate rejection and critics. Which may be why Critic Boy is not on my favorite persons list right now. I'm working through it. Day by day.

But I will never date Critic Boy. Sorry, Critic Boy.

The Water Dilemma

The other day my mom presented me with a dilemma. A dilemma I dubbed "The Water Dilemma"
You see, for the Warped Tour date I am attending, they allow you to take in at the most a 1 liter bottle of water into the venue. So, I asked my mom if she would get me one at the convenience store she worked at. She said sure, no problem. What kind do you want? Which resulted in a confused look from me. Water is water, right? Wrong. She gave me all these kinds and blah, blah, blah. Do you want Dasani? Evian? Smartwater? Etc, etc. Uh... I just want a freaking bottle of water that is going to help keep me hydrated while I'm there... why present me with choices?

I'm an indecisive person. I absolutely hate making decisions. When asking me what restaurant I want to eat at results in me saying "I don't really care. I have no preference." That annoys people and I apologize. I just really don't care about these trivial things in life. I'm not going to freak out about this or that. Not anymore.

So what did I decide on concerning the water? Well, I didn't really make one at all. I told her to surprise me. That's how I make trivial decisions haha. Give me a serious major one and I can make one. But about water? Eh, I don't care. Water is water, people.

Cupid Missed His Mark

I went and dyed my hair back to black because there is no way I'm going to Warped Tour with icky brownish hair with black ends..no freaking way. I might meet a hot rocker boy who immediately falls in love with me so my hair must look acceptable.

I dyed it yesterday and last night, I don't know what was wrong with me. I became agitated and cranky. I had a total bitch fest on twitter because I just felt like I was at my wits end. Why? Because of what some stupid boy does to me. I'm not even dating the guy and yet he frustrates me and upsets me. He wants to date me. He's made that very very clear. And yet when I do share the first 10 pages of my screenplay with him, he completely bashes the whole thing. I am all about constructive criticism. I love that stuff but when you don't say it in a polite manner and all you say is this isn't really a screenplay.. you shouldn't do this... this is bad.. I really hated that..

So... nice. You hated everything about it. I got that, thanks. What does he even know about screenplays anyways? Nothing. He even said he didn't know anything about it.

I'm not so sure... I'm not so sure I can trust him. I just don't know anymore

Stupid Critic Boy.

Not really reality.

Sometimes watching reality tv shows makes me feel dirty.

Yeah. Incredibly gross and icky.

3 Bottles of Wine

Critic Boy is partying it up tonight with friends. He had to message me and tell me that. Seriously, I don't care.

Why do guys insist on telling me these things? Why does this guy continue to tell me when he is either a) having a few drinks, b) pretty damn wasted, or c) completely drunk and falling all over the place?

As a child of a recovering alcoholic, getting drunk to impress people does not impress me. It disgusts me. My dad died from the effects of a long battle with alcoholism when I was 15. So I don't need to know these things. It just makes you look ignorant.

I have no problem with people who are social drinkers. Who have a couple drinks with friends or whatever. That's okay. Just because I will never drink any kind of alcoholic beverage doesn't mean everyone should be like that. I understand it's enjoyable for some. But sometimes people need to wake up and acknowledge the signs they have some problems.

Like Critic Boy enjoys drinking alone. And excessively. It's how he relaxes. You know how I relax? Listening to music..taking a nap.. watching a movie. Those are deemed safe things. At least to me. I don't drown my sorrows in alcohol.

And maybe..just maybe..if he wasn't such a sarcastic jerk to people, he wouldn't have to drown his sorrows in alcohol. Maybe if he didn't intentionally piss people off like he does, he would be happier.

Just a couple suggestions.

Stay Out

I managed to upset Critic Boy tonight. It would have happened eventually.. and hey I can't help it if he's sensitive.

Last night, he had a few drinks which he told me always made him more courageous to admit things. And so of course he decides to tell me how much he likes me. And if you know me, I'm never one to be so open like that. I don't reveal feelings so easily. I'm not even sure how I responded but he didn't really mind so it must not have been so bad.

So tonight, he started talking to me by saying how I never message him first when I get online. I never really message anyone. I'm not sure if they are busy or whatever.. so if they really want to talk to me, they'll message me. Whatever. So he then does this after saying the previous comment.. "*cries*" which annoys the hell out of me. He did that last night when I didn't really respond to if I liked him or not. Because I can't be that open. I would post the conversation but I don't want to share that kind of stupidity he portrayed. Basically we proceeded to talk about our days and I shared how I got into a little argument with my step-dad which isn't unusual. Anyways, he said this: "gay". And I said, "yes it is." He then went into this habit he always does. He says "you are." How mature. So I told him no and then said maybe he was. He said yes he was and then said something gross which I refuse to type here. I ended the conversation with I'm happy for you and congrats. He hasn't said anything back since then. Oops.

Maybe he should have been nicer about reading my screenplay.

Henry, How I Loathe Thee

I didn't write like I wanted to. Why? Because of that stupid stupid curse. The Writer's Block.

It follows me everywhere. I had it so bad before that I went to Barnes and Noble and bought a frickin' book about how to beat writer's block in 10 days. It didn't work, by the way. Who would've thought?

Writer's block has become like a friend. Or maybe one of those stupid "frenemies" on reality tv shows that I watch on a regular basis. Yeah. Maybe I should give it a name. Give it some personality. Something spiffy. Hmm, let's see....I think I shall it..... Henry. I like that name.

Now that Henry has a name, he can go away. Because he is not wanted.

If only I could write my screenplay as easily as I have with this blog.Why is it that I can write so easily about this nonsense and I can't write my stinking movie?? I have the time... maybe it's the fact that I have no inspiration. Maybe I should pop in some John Mayer and get inspired.

Girls Do What They Want

Dumb boys.

But I've decided to not let the critics get to me and I'm going to keep on going with my screenplay. I'm not going to change anything...I'm not going to go back and re-do it for the millionth time. I'm going to just continue on like I never sent it to the critic boy. :)

So tomorrow, my task is to continue with the next scene and keep going. Erase the "interesting" comment from my mind. It's just hard to overcome writer's block. If a person hasn't really experienced hardcore writer's block, then they have NO idea. It's rough. It's like hell. I know what I want to say. I have the whole stinking movie playing over and over again in my head. I just can't ever get it to sound so amazing when I type it out like it does in my head. Hell, if I could get the movie to sound right like it does in my mind, I would win a freaking Oscar. Which is a goal. I want to win an Oscar. It'd be amazing.

I guess boys can't help what they say sometimes. I want to think he meant well. It's not his fault I'm overly sensitive sometimes. He doesn't even know it upset me. I never really tell anyone I'm upset anyways. I just suck it up, store it internally to the point where I almost explode and continue on.

Maybe when I go to Warped Tour in like 12 days, I'll meet this awesome hot rocker boy who is in this awesome band who appreciates me and wants to marry me that day or at least wants to take me away. A girl can't help but dream....ha

A

So I let this one guy friend read the first 11 pages of my screenplay. I have never let anyone read something I've written that I haven't finished yet. It made me nervous but I value his opinion and he is very brutally honest.

He read it and said this: "Interesting."

That's always quite a word. Could be bad, could be good. He said it read more like a stage play. That's not what I'm going for. Then he goes on this stupid thing about stage actors and film actors. Things I already knew. Yeah I felt defensive. This screenplay is like my child. It's like telling me my child is worthless and fat. I shouldn't have let him read it. Now I feel like it's pure crap already.

I just want to be a writer. But how can I be a writer with so many doubts about my own ability and talent?

I want to write like Ernest Hemingway, Jane Austen, JRR Tolkien and JK Rowling all combined into one. That would be amazing. But I don't know if I can..

In other news, I get to see Harry Potter tomorrow! Woo. I'm such a Harry Potter geek.